My songs

[Thanatos]

Saws, sung by Lord Fear to the tune of Stars, the first of Inspector Javert's two solos in Les Misérables:

There,
Out in the dungeon,
A teenager questing,
Fooling my minions,
Spying on me,
But I shall stop it
Dead in its tracks.
It won't reach Level Three,
It won't reach Level Three.
It finds itself in the dark:
Its horned headgear blinds it to all.
It depends on its nasty advisors,
But I'll slay them all.
And when it falls, as so many have,
I'll mock its fall.

Saws,
In your corridor,
Scarce to be counted,
Slicing the children
So cleanly in half,
You are the sentinels,
Noisy but sure,
Oh, it does make me laugh,
Oh, it does make me laugh.
You know your place in the wall,
You hold your course and your aim,
Which, for some strange reason, the kids cannot see
Remain always the same,
So when they fall, as so many have,
They bear the blame.

And so it must be,
For so they are bitten
By your teeth and your brutal slice.
Those who cannot see a pattern plain
Must pay the price.

Oh, let them find you,
That they may meet you
And you may cause
Their unpleasant death.
You shall!
This I swear,
This I swear by the saws!


And one of the many versions written over the past century of Lord High Executioner Ko-Ko's song I've Got A Little List from The Mikado (MIDI file and original lyrics at math.boisestate.edu/gas/mikado/webopera/song05a.html):

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed - who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential dungeoneers who cannot spell out "SHROUD",
The skull-cap-wearing Daniel's team who shouted far too loud,
All children who get riddles right and floor you with 'em flat,
All ugly thieves who, offered rings, then tie you up like that,
And all advisors who shouting, "Side-step left!" insist,
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!

He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.

There's the banjo-serenader called Ridolfo by his mates,
And th' inferior humourist - yes, Folly's on my list,
And the dreadful Adam Battersby whom everybody hates,
He never would be missed - he never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises with enthusiastic tone
All dungeon quests but this and all advisors but his own,
And the Series Seven tavern-wench who dresses like a tart,
And who doesn't think too often, though perhaps she ought to start,
And that singular anomaly the Knightmare novelist -
I don't think he'd be missed - I'm sure he'd not be missed!

He's got him on the list - he's got him on the list;
And he don't think he'll be missed - he's sure he'll not be missed.

And those monks - there's Cedric, Brother Strange and also Brother Mace
Who's perenially pissed - I've got them on the list.
That vain, depressed old gargoyle with its ever-changing face,
It never would be missed - it never would be missed!
And the ITV controllers who took Knightmare off our screens -
Yes, let Chapman die for ruining so many people's teens -
The Ice-Woman and Codsby and that faceless bore 'the Freeze',
And 'armourtrons' and 'bugs' and anybody else you please
Out of Virtually Impossible may go upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!

You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list
For they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed.

[Emii B]

Mwahahahahaha! *applauds*

The oldies are always the best!

[Drassil]

Bravo! I haven't heard either of the original songs, I'm afraid - but the effort that's gone into these reworkings is clear. They scan, and they work. Very well done... and keep writing!

[DragonRider]

I've got Les Miserables on Cd so I so got the Saws/Stars song! Ha Ha!!
The other one gave me the giggles too! Well Done! Very clever!

[Thanatos]

ERRATUM: The penultimate line of the first verse of I've Got A Little List should read:

"And all advisors who on shouting, "Side-step left!" insist,"

I couldn't edit it because I posted it before I registered; I would be much obliged if a moderator were to make that correction (without making "on" bold, obviously) in my original message and delete this one.

[Thanatos]

Which recording of Les Misérables do you have, Dragon Rider?

[Thanatos]

Two more, for what it's worth, both G&S (original lyrics and MIDI at diamond.boisestate.edu/gas/iolanthe/html/lying_awake.html and math.boisestate.edu/gas/pinafore/web_opera/pin04.html respectively):

When you quest past the lake with a dismal headache, and success is taboo’d by anxiety,
I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety:
For your brain is on fire – the hazards conspire of usual prowess to plunder you,
Firstly Goth overflows and slime covers your toes, then a tile slips demurely from under you;
Then the Eye-Shield tickles – you feel like mixed pickles – it’s so cheap the backing is hairy!
And you’re hot and you’re cross – in the Sewers you’d toss this inane prop that’s unnecessary.
Your clue objects all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick ‘em all up in a tangle;
Next the Helmet resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, when a nap the production crew’s taking.
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very much better be waking;
For you dream you are crossing the cold lake and tossing about in the Dunswater ferry,
Which is something between a large bathing machine and an old R.U.C. van in Derry,
And the strange boatman’s hood doesn’t smell very good – he could pass himself off as Sylvester –
But you’ve got to the bank, your conveyor you thank, and you meet a quite unfunny jester.
Your course then divergent, you meet a young merchant who looks rather thin as from hunger;
He’s so poorly disguised that you don’t feel surprised when he tells you his name’s Scaramonger.
Well, you bargain like mad with this mercantile cad and he offers poor potions and pebbles,
And imperfectly strung tapes of Knightmare’s theme, sung by pre-pubescent altos and trebles;
But this you can’t stand, so you throw up your hand, and you’re stuck with a nautical loud-talker,
In his hat and his beard (of which both look quite weird) crossing o’er the Great Mire on the Cloudwalker:
To him the Mire’s new and so too is his crew – which the captain at last has invested in –
And he’s telling the tars all the particulars of an astrolabe he’s interested in –
It’s inscribed with devices, to get at low prices his storm-rods and wind-transportations
(Which voyages require) at speeds even higher than those of good teleportations –
You show the good captain the fix which he’s trapped in (for guess what? The astrolabe’s vanished),
And he’s rather annoyed – you can see he has toyed with the idea of having you banished –
But reach an accord: you’re not thrown overboard and you help him to find it (oh, hark at it!),
But Tim Child gets there first and his plan is the worst, for he trademarks the d**n’d thing to market it –
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Televirtual,
And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake – the dream’s really hurt you all –

But the quest starts again, and you enter a glen,
And are very soon seen, and you meet Gwendoline,
And she’s pointing huge pins at your soles and your shins,
And your flesh is a-creep, for the danger is deep,
But she lets to go through, and the next room is blue,
And you’ve moved from the glades, to the Passage of Blades,
And you’d rather be back, though the view is all black, in the forest of oak trees and clover;

But a blade comes at you, cuts you cleanly in two,
And the quest has been long – ditto ditto my song – and thank goodness they’re both of them over!








CAPTAIN: I am the Captain of the Cloudwalker!

CREW: And a right good captain too!

CAPTAIN: You’re very, very good,
And at last I’ve understood
That a ship requires a crew.

CREW: We’ve very, very good,
And at last he’s understood
That a ship requires a crew.

CAPTAIN: I cannot abide Lord Fear.
I can skilfully steer –
No jelly-legged babe!
I’m always blessed with wind
Of a favourable kind,
For I’ve never lost my astrolabe!

CREW: What, never?

CAPTAIN: No, never!

CREW: What, never?

CAPTAIN: Hardly ever!

CREW: Hardly ever lost his astrolabe!
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the very careful Captain Nemanor!
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the careful Captain Nemanor!

CAPTAIN: I do my best to keep all strangers off –

CREW: And with that we’re quite content.

CAPTAIN: But if they are quite polite,
Then I think it only right
To return the compliment.

CREW: But if they are quite polite,
Then he thinks it only right
To return the compliment.

CAPTAIN: Within the Game’s domain
I constantly maintain
My strict impartiality,
So though Lord Fear incense
Me to a rage intense,
I never aid the Pow’rs That Be –

CREW: What, never?

CAPTAIN: No, never!

CREW: What, never?

CAPTAIN: Hardly ever!

CREW: Hardly ever aids the Pow’rs That Be –
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the staunchly neutral Captain Nemanor!
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the neutral Captain Nemanor!